"Funny, eh, to think that pretty soon thousands of people will be having a bite of Nanny Ogg."
"Thousands more," said Granny, tartly. Nanny's wild youth was an open book, although only available in plain cover.
Move over Granny Smith... er ... Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg's just had an apple named after her.
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

"But they start off knowing they're not going to win."
"So do I."
"Oh, no, you surely ----"
"I meant that I start off knowing they're not goin' to win, too," said Granny witheringly. "And they ought to start off knowing I'm not going to win. No wonder they lose, if they ain't getting their minds right."
The headology of success, according to Granny Weatherwax.
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

And she would always do you a good turn. The trouble was, though, that she would do you a good turn for your own good even if a good turn wasn't what was good for you.
No, not Granny. This is Letice Earwig.
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn't do good for people, she did right by them.
This is Granny Weatherwax. Note the difference.
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

"You see, sir," said Corporal Carrot, "as I understand the law, you are an Accessory After The Fact. Or possibly Before The Fact."
YOUNG MAN, I AM THE FACT
Death helps the police with their inquiries.
[ Theatre Of Cruelty ]

Then he ambled back to the alley, where Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (colouring it in, and adding a pipe and a walking stick and some trees and bushes in the background -- people had already dropped 7p in his helmet).
Has Nobby been taking lessons from CMOT Dibbler?
[ Theatre Of Cruelty ]

"Witches have been buying lucky horseshoes?" said Nanny.
"Like there's no tomorrow," said Zakzak. He frowned for a moment. They had been witches, after all. "Er .... there will be .... won't there?" he added.
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

"Yeah, but this is witching," said Nanny. "The rules is different."
"How so?"
"There ain't none."
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

Granny sniffed. "Do they speak highly of me?" she said.
"No, they speaks quietly of you, Esme."
[ The Sea and Little Fishes ]

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man would have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.
[ Theatre Of Cruelty ]

"I call it highly suspicious, being dead like that. He's been drinking, too. We could do him for being dead and disorderly."
Nobby has his own policing policies....
[ Theatre Of Cruelty ]

He is a coward. He is happy with that description. He would rather people said that Rincewind is a coward than that Rincewind was incredibly brave right up to the point where he was bitten in half.
Pterry on Rincewind.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

People are always giving things to witches. It's very nice of them. It's possible that they think it is lucky to do so, but it's probable that they know it's unlucky not to.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

The senior wizards of Unseen University are masters of dynamic inactivity.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

Oh, and mime artists. He will happily have them put to death (quietly). No voices have been raised against this foible, although there have of course been some frantic gestures.
The more I hear about Lord Vetinari, the more I like him.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

It is an interesting fact that all banshees are traditionally supposed to be female, which may account for his [ Mr Ixolite's ] generally depressed air. Perhaps he is a banhee.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

They are acquisitive, argumentative and belligerent when drunk, and therefore fit seamlessly into city society.
Pterry on dwarves.
[ The Pratchett Portfolio ]

Our Old Boys have gone on to make their marks in politics, religion, and all branches of government. Admittedly, in many cases, those marks have been difficult to see with the naked eye, because we pride ourselves on not being unnecessarily messy.
Headmaster Downey's opening address.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

An Old Sicarian can hold up his or her head -- or in some cases on unusual assignments someone else's head -- in polite society, secure in the knowledge that he (or she) has been trained to deal with any situation that may arise, particularly if it involves edged weapons.
Headmaster Downey's opening address.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

We inhume with style, elegance and care.
Headmaster Downey's opening address.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Remember our watchword -- It Is A Noble Thing To Lay Down Someone Else's Life for Your Country. And, of course, to get a receipt.
Headmaster Downey's opening address.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

It [ the Inhumation Bell ] is also tolled whenever news comes through of an Assassin successfully completing an assignment or on the death of an old pupil of the college. Of course, this may quite often be one and the same event.
Assassins' Guild Student Orientation.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

...the Master's desk, with its wrought-iron rack for birches and canes. These are a relic of the old days. In the modern college, we do not believe in any so namby-pamby as corporal punishment.
Assassins' Guild Student Orientation.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

He quested extensively in Klatch for the greater glory of gold..
Sir Gyles de Murforte, Crusader, -- and Founder of the Assassins' Guild
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

The thoughtful and careful client must always have a chance. A man who cannot be bothered to test his shaving soap for poison every morning has lost the will to live.
The Rules Of Assassination.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

[ Boys ] ..are also forbidden to enter any house of Ill-Repute; however, sixth-formers are allowed one weekly visit to a house of Good-Repute (an updated list is kept in the Porter's Lodge).
Assassins' Guild School Rules
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Famous Instruments Of Despatch: A common teaspoon, wielded by the Hon. Stanley Cabshaw against a group of bandits on the Quirm road (a government contract). Details are sketchy, and perhaps this is just as well.
Historye of the Assassins' Guild.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Open Commission: Cmdr Vimes (AM$600,000, and rising). Cmdr Vimes rather irritatingly takes it all in good part. Many attempts have been made and the Assassins have, in the main, returned in one piece (albeit slightly singed, or painted yellow, or limping). Cmdr Vimes does not play by the rules -- any rules.
Outstanding Assassination Commissions.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Open Commission: Rincewind (Assistant Librarian at UU) (AM$950K) Mr. Rincewind is one of nature's survivors. He seems not to be a violent man, but Assassins attempting this commission seem to find themselves the victims of unexplained accidents -- falling slates, lightning strikes -- or, and this is worth noting, being waylaid by Mr. Rincewind's travel accessory.
Outstanding Assassination Commissions.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Open Commission: Havelock, Lord Vetinari (AM$1m). Lord Vetinari is himself a graduate of the Guild and as such is a formidable opponent. Whilst he is known to view assassination attempts as a normal part of his life as a politician, and whilst he fully understands that the Guild's members are obliged to take on such commissions, he nevertheless takes a firm view that a dog only gets one bite. Most of the Assassins who have tried to earn the AM$1,000,000 fee have never been heard of since.
Outstanding Assassination Commissions.
[ Assassins' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2000 ]

Breaking of wind is allowable at any time.
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

A cautious autopsy later suggested that it was his left ankle-pump that first gave way, causing a chain reaction throughout the various other pumps, bellows and sliders that were forming a positive external skeleton under his clothes, which snapped him into several admittedly very amusing shapes before collapsing him into a ball, it was nevertheless a very funny routine, and the late Socko Jim was posthumously elevated to the rank of Complete Fool
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

"When in doubt, pass wind loudly."
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

We at the Guild do not believe in guerrilla miming and we think that our legitimate demands can be achieved by a peaceful process of negotiation, via hand signals if necessary.
[Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

YOU KNOW IT MAKES NONSENSE
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

At the Guild of Fools and Joculators we discourage laughter. Joking is not a laughing matter.
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

The Guild does not admit women. It has been proved that women have no sense of humour whatsoever.
[ Fools' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2001 ]

Confidence Trickster: They say you can't swindle an honest man, so there is a lot of scope for this job in Ankh-Morpork.
Guild Job Descriptions
[ Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

Robber: Steals (usually in a public place) with the threat of force, without being the government.
Guild Job Descriptions
[ Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

Protection Racketeer: Encourages people to hand over large sums of money in order to protect their property or themselves without in fact being the government.
Guild Job Descriptions
[Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

Pickpockets have more specialisms than any other branch of theft and these include, for example, 'flimping' (stealing pocket watches), 'fogle hunting' (stealing silk handkerchiefs), and 'aaargh!' (inadvertently picking the pocket of a member of the Guild of Ratcatchers).
[ Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

Theft is merely a disagreement over ownership, whereas vandalism is a denial of the very principle of property.
The Patrician suffers grafitti 'artists' even less than he does mimes.
[ Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

Seen in the correct light, crime is only a form of taxation, which, as I have indicated, is itself only a sophisticated version of 'demanding money with menaces'.
Lord Vetinari has a knack of seeing things clearly.
[ Thieves' Guild Yearbook And Diary 2002 ]

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